Summary: Amy has a plan but will Sheldon enable it or will it fall apart?
Sheldon, like many geniuses, was immensely happy with his own company. Being left alone for long periods of time was actually something Sheldon fantasised about frequently but, as time ticked on, he found himself pacing the empty apartment. He was pacing, thinking and, worst of all, fretting – fretting to the point where the cuticle on his left thumb was sore and angry from being nibbled. The colour of his thumb almost matched the red rimmed eyes he was sporting through lack of adequate REM sleep.
This was the scene that Leonard, Howard and Raj walked in on after spending a Sheldon-free day at work. None of them knew why he had called in. Only that he’d been jumpy for the last few days and that, if he’d called in sick, it was about to come to a head.
“Sheldon, I think we’ve been patient enough with you – you need to tell us what’s wrong before you worry yourself into a heart attack!” Leonard gripped the taller man by the shoulders and pushed him gently until he was sitting in his spot. Frowning at the scaly, red mess on Sheldon’s thumb, he sighed. “We can help you, but only if you tell us what happened or what’s going to happen that has you in such a state!”
“Very well.” Sheldon cleared his throat and nodded. “As you know, last Thursday was date night for me and Amy Farrah-Fowler …”
The previous week …
“This has been a most satisfactory meal, Amy, although I prefer the hot dogs to be in slightly larger chunks rather than thinly sliced.”
“Noted.” Amy nodded as she cleared away the plates and Sheldon moved to sit on the sofa. “Would you care for some tea to drink while we partake in our post-dinner conversation?”
“That would be nice, Amy. What’s tonight’s topic? I was hoping we could continue our discussion on mapping neurological pathways and emulating them electronically!”
Amy brought their drinks over and placed them on the coffee table before sitting next to Sheldon. “Actually there’s a very important topic we need to discuss. I’ve previously avoided it due to you lack of comfort with physical intimacy but, recently, you’ve been more and more comfortable with basic touching – in a romantic relationship sense.”
“I’d much rather talk about the possibility of artificial brains …” Sheldon blinked and twitched in his discomfort.
“No, Sheldon! Our third anniversary is in seven days. Most couples reaching their third anniversary are sharing a bed on a regular basis, if not co-habiting completely – all I’m asking for is for us to at least get to second base, if not third. In layman’s terms it’s time for you to shit or get off the pot.”
Sheldon nodded slowly. “I see. You would be willing to throw away the last three years if I don’t stroke your labia minora?”
Amy shuddered. “Oh God, Sheldon! Say that again!”
“I certainly will not!” Indignant, he stood on shaky legs. “I can’t believe you would be willing to give up on our relationship on a whim!”
“It’s not a whim, I’ve been thinking about it for three years! One week, Sheldon, next Thursday I want to see some action or, I’m afraid, we’ll have to end our romantic relationship.”
The guys stared, open-mouthed, at Sheldon’s quivering form. “So, you see, tonight is the night. Amy will be arriving in one hour and I’m still undecided.”
Even with an IQ of 187 (estimated to be higher) and his acute senses he was unable to focus on one singular advisory snippet from the cacophony of yelling from his friends. He managed to catch ‘just go for it dude’, ‘man up, whackadoodle’ and ‘why do you have to be so weird?’ from the three overlapping voices. They droned on for minutes, shouting over each other to be heard but the only thing they accomplished was Sheldon clasping his hands over his ears and rushing off to his room.
Sheldon sat on his bed, staring blankly at the wall as his huge brain sifted through his conundrum. His desire to remain celibate, like the late, great Nikola Tesla, was decidedly at odds with what Amy required of him. Not knowing who else to speak to about his problem, he sent a text to Penny.
Penny, Amy has requested that I “Shit or get off the pot” and encompass a physical aspect to our relationship. What should I do?
He sat his phone on the bed a stared at it until Penny replied. He was irritated that it took her 15 minutes to respond, until he realised that he hadn’t informed her that there was a time limit.
Moonpie, being in a relationship is about making the person you’re with happy. Don’t you want to make Amy happy?
Sheldon scowled at the gadget, as if Penny would feel his displeasure through the digital connection. He wondered why it was always him who had to concede and make Amy happy – surely, if they were in a relationship, Amy should be endeavouring to make him happy? There should be a mutual exchange of acts that would incite joy and gratitude, surely? Searching through his eidetic memory, he tried to isolate an act from Amy which was altruistic in nature and not with the intent of pushing Sheldon into loving her more, touching her more, being with her more often.
Penny, I think everyone should be asking ‘why doesn’t Amy want to make me happy?’ Only Meemaw is allowed to call me Moonpie.
In the time that remained before Amy arrived to pick Sheldon up for their anniversary date, he unlocked the safe under his bed and took out the notarised copy of the relationship agreement that he and Amy had signed all those years ago.
He had been alone before she came along and he had been content. Yes, it was true that being Amy’s boyfriend had caused changes to his routines, but he would eventually get used to her not being part of them. His phone chimed with another message from Penny.
You selfish asshole!
Sheldon shook his head in disagreement. He had given Amy everything he was prepared to give; he had nothing left to surrender.